Amsterdam and the curse of the cod

Take a little good advice

Try a trip to paradise

It's not hard to find

You got it on your mind

You can't pretend it wouldn't be nice*

Being a child of the seventies, I grew up with The Goodies.In the episode Lips, or Almighty Cod, Graeme breeds a fish called Brian, and discovers he can be enraged by Max Bygraves' Tulips from Amsterdam. One thing leads to another, and soon there is a giant angry Cod with massive false teeth in relentless pursuit of our heroes.

Some decades after my school-night retreat to goody-goody yum yum paradise, I finally got to Amsterdam. The Beloved is by my side, but it's Max that's in my head.We take a romantic, leisurely stroll walk to a local restaurant. We eat good food and the priorietor has us feeling like valued regulars in minutes.Max Bygraves. The full moon sends caressing ribbons of mercury across the canals rippled surface. Max Bygraves. We visit the dazzling light of Van Gogh's oils. Max Bygraves. We pop into a funky little design shop which not only stocks chic recycled homewares, but also a book on how to make them yourself. Still that sound in my head. Wrong season, so no freaking tulips, but plenty of Bygraves.

No wonder that cod was cross.

It was one of those weekends where you decide not to think about the gas bill, so we were staying in a rather nice hotel on the canal, right in the heart of the 'Negens', a famous shopping precinct framed by the grid of streets crossing the three main Canals, Prinsengracht, Keizerrsgracht and Herengracht. It has to be my favourite ever shopping precinct. That's not a huge statement, as I mostly find shopping depressing, tawdry and soul-destroying**. Here, though, I found myself staring in the window of shop after shop, finding some serious envy-ware in every one. One minute, a totally covetable rug in seemingly infinite shades of blue, in the next a rainbow of Hester Van Eeghen briefcases and shoes. Vintage jewellry. Art. Clothes. Antiques.Tutus. I may have drooled.

I had no actual need for any of it and even less capacity to afford it, but when you're driven to distraction by 70s easy-listening earworms its easy to lose perspective. In the end I settled for a pair of blue suede sneakers.    I'd seen a pair like them in a stolen copy of Monocle about six months earlier. (I got two for the money, in case you were wondering, Elvis.) I am very fond of them, and they also happened to be about the only thing I could afford.

As for the rest, including the desire to spend a romantic weekend with the Beloved without a passion-killing crooner camping in my head:

Like a windmill keeps on turning/That's how my heart keeps on yearning...

* Goodies theme song - I think from Series 2
**Unless its for stationary.

David Peace: Tokyo Year Zero

Occupied City by David Peace
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

In my review of this books predecessor (Tokyo Year Zero, I had a little rant about how much I admired Peace's ability to make crime (and its victims) matter. This book picks up on that theme early, with "The First Candle", written in the collective voice of victims of a mass killing:

"Do we matter to you? Did we ever matter?
Our mouths always screams,
already screams, screams
that mouth:
Your apathy is out disease; your apathy, a plague..." (p.6)

Notice a bit of repetition there? Just a smidge? Well hang on to your hats, people, because there is a lot more where that came from. Peace is not the first to use the technique, and while others have complained (and even satirised)it, until now I have always felt he uses it to good effect. With this one, though, I was cursing the geek who had ever invented the "cut and paste" function.  When I should have been hanging on every word while my head pounded with the rhythm, my eyes were skimming over paragraphs I had read one, two or three times before, thinking "Okay, Dave, okay. I get the point, already."

The book opens with a writer fleeing with an "unfinished book of unsolved crime" and the collective dead telling him that "we are here (...) because of you, our dear sweet, sweet writer dear, because of you..." (p.4). The theme of story telling, truth and lies runs through the book (and lends it a structure), suggesting Peace continues to grapple with the morality and motive of mining the annals of "true crime" for his work.

While these reflections should, in theory, enrich the novel in this case it didn't do it for me. I ended up feeling it was a valiant but ultimately unsatisfying attempt at a very ambitious project.

I can't help thinking that if Peace has come to the conclusion that in bringing the victims back to life the writer is "their wound", "their plague",(p.287) then perhaps the author's own ambivalence about the task is this book's biggest enemy.

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Irresistible Istanbul

 Are you Australian? I know these things. I can see. yes, even from way over there, I can see. Your face. Freckles. You need to use my umbrella? But you are getting wet. Very wet today. You are sure? I am going to Sydney soon. An Australian lady I know, she invite me. She lives near the Opera House, I don’t really know if she has money or not, but she invited me. I helped her buy some carpets. For her house. I do carpets.

Anyway, I helped her to buy for the whole house. Sixteen million she said she paid for the place. Though it’s worth 18 now. Anyway, she wants me. Real bad. I know this. That’s okay, why would I mind? Maybe I like it. I’m married though. Not to this one here. She’s my cousin. I give you some advice. You listen to this you will not regret. When you are looking at the carpet, what you do, you ask them to hold a match to the carpet. If they refuse, you know they’re no good. It’s the fibres, you see. Natural fibres, they won’t burn. If it burns, its not good fabric. If its good, they won’t mind.

My pleasure, my pleasure, I am happy to help. You leave this place, you want to take something of quality with you. We’re Turkish. Well, I live in America, in L.A., but I’m Turkish. I’m here to buy carpets. Sellf or, say $7,000 in US, buy for 2-3000 here. I have a shop just down the road. Anyway, this Australian lady, she rings me up and says hey, why don’t you come and stay with me for a while? I say, thankyou, sure. Can my wife come too? She says Oh my god you have a wife? She really wanted me, you see, and she didn’t know.

But she’s a nice lady, so she says, okay, if that’s how it is. Bring your wife. So I will see where she put all those carpets I helped her with. I think she was a bit disappointed, because she really wanted me. Women want me all the time. You know why? It is because I am quite a sensual person. They can see that and they respond. Hey, I’m not complaining.

I’m just here to meet some American friends, show them around. I must go soon and meet them. But yes, women they are always chasing after me. Never leave me alone. Even lesbians. You know about lesbians? I tell you a story. I met this woman and her girlfriend. You tell them. Go on. Tell them. You tell them. It is better.

No, no, no. That’s not right. I’ll tell them. I’ll take it from here. I’ll tell it now. This one she is all over me, you know, oh your so great, I want you so much, you’re so sexy, you know, and I’m just saying hey, I’m married and she’s well that’s no big deal we can just have some fun. And I’m like, you are serious? You are telling me you never in your life have been with a man and you want to be with me? And she’s saying , yeah, I never been with a man but I want to be with you. So that was okay, but I say no.

But they beg me, you know, they saying come on, come on, it will be fun. But I am married, so no. Anyway, a couple of days later, the girlfriend rings me up and you know what she says? She’s begging me, she’s saying please come and sleep with us, me and my girlfriend, we can do it all together, you have to do this for us, and I’m saying no, no, I’m married and she goes on and on and you know what? Then she says but you have to. You have to sleep with my girlfriend. We want to have your baby. I’m not kidding. Can you believe it? This is how much they want me.

What? They just want me for my what? DNA? That’s um…my…Anyway, I must go and meet my friends from America. They are waiting just up at the gate for me. But they beg me, you know, They saying come on, come on, it will be fun. Of course I say no. But this is what I mean, you see, women and me. They just can’t resist.

Why? Well, who am I to say. You are a women….you can see. Something about me, maybe. The way I look. I mean, look at me. Look at this. I know I am not very tall, but I am strong. You don’t need height if you have a good solid frame, you know. Muscular, I am. Its because I look after myself. The women can see that. They respect it. They like it. You know what I think it is? It’s the way I move. Yes, its because I dance. I am a dancer. No, really. A very good dancer. You may not see it from my shape, but women, they can see it in the way I move.

But I must go and meet my friends. They will be waiting. So you are only in Istanbul for a few days? Then where? Bursa? You will take the ferry? Very good. Inegoll. Yes. Inegoll. I know it.Good meatballs. Yes, Inegoll is famous for the meatballs. So you will need to talk to someone you can trust about the carpets. Just to learn. I must go and meet my friends. From America. But my cousin here, she can take you to the showroom, its just round the corner. Ten minutes. Less. Five. You can have a look, she will explain everything. It will be nice. Have some tea. Have you tried Turkey tea yet?

It is just around the corner. Why not? No harm in looking. She will explain everything you need to know. Go with my cousin and she will show you. Nice things no rubbish. You can hold a match. Best rugs in all Turkey. My friends will be waiting for me now, but it will be no trouble, really. No really. Really.

No, I don’t know the best place for halva. Halva you get anywhere. There is no money in halva.

Lesbians.